Pummel My Heart:A Story of Hope

I can't even become angry any more because I know the pattern.

You said you were fascinated in me...I'm so intelligent. You've never
seen a woman who was more close to the total package. You
couldn't see anything wrong with me...I knew something was wrong
when you called me perfect.

I remember the first time you told me that...how the blushing reddened
my cheeks to a near deep purple as the blood pooled there as if I had been
struck in the face with a baseball bat.

Love...I fell in it easy and got stuck in it hard. Trying to climb my way out was worse
than trying to breathe with a plastic bag covering my head and tied around my neck... collapsed my lungs...
pummeled my heart.

It became a quotidian thing...you filled my head with lovely words. I was air light...
cascading in the breeze as a lone leaf crisped by autumn's metamorphosis. You
placated me...soothed the harsh words I heard...made me feel wanted.

From that day to this one, it's been fairly difficult to hypothesize whether or not it was
the pleasure of seeing my face light up as the smooth shards of lies cut away at my
protective shield...leaving me vulnerable to one more angry moment...one more
lonely night...one more tearful cry...one more moment in which I cut away at myself...
abhorring myself simply because I dared to believe that you meant it...or was it an evil game you enjoyed to play knowing full well you would bruise me severely.

I was naive. Yet, I never desired to become that woman who became cynical and believed
that every man carrying or doling out accolades only sought to ensnare me. Instead, I developed this fundamental belief that, if I was real and truly loving...if I longed to love one man and remind him that he was priceless and more valuable than any breathing man on planet earth, surely there is a man who matched my heart in that same regard. I still believe that. In fact, I know it.

With you, that was not my portion. I was your playmate...a hope and a wish...a temporary conduit to something better. There is a vacuousness that develops once one steps away from something that diabolical. A vehement pain that rips away at the soul and lacerates the mind.

That's what I fight now and must overcome...I know I will.

The one thing that saved me from my plight...my stolen moments listening to you pant...hearing you heave out accolades like fresh bile-ridden vomit...the cacophonous sound of my name bound between your shrills. In all of that upheaval. I found euphony in its inevitable ending. Sooner or later, you would be done and I would be free from the lies that men tell when they are horny.

The revelation at every devastating incident I've suffered, like our fleeting nights of passion, would end comforted my wayward soul. Soon I knew I would stumble back to God...my refuge.

After these years surpassed my memories of empty promises and broken dreams, the one thing I cling to now is hope.

Although I cannot see how it will manifest, I believe that God has fashioned for me an arrangement. A true man of God, not a man cloaked in quilted pieces of godly character mingled with his own interpretation of my worth and value, but a man who see me for who I am in the Lord. Some man who is shrouded in the anointing of God. Someone who can see me...when I feel alone...when I need the warmth of his smile...when I need prayer. Some man whose petitions penetrate rooftops and hang as ornate decor in the heavenlies waiting to descend upon my bosom and make me whole...to bless me.

For so many years I gave myself to shame hoping it would not be...praying this would be the end of a tumultuous life full of self-inflicted bruises and waling nights. Now I know (after beating myself silly) that I am wiser and full of so much more compassion, love and understanding for those who suffer simply because I allowed you to use me. Thank you for teaching me that the one important thing I must learn is to honor God first above all others and not to lean on the alms of man. #selah