Chapter 2: Volume 3

So, I began my search and it was a difficult one.
No one else had ever made me feel the way you did
and it was killing me to look for it. I didn't trust myself...went back to my ex.

Yep, I know what you're thinking:

"Whaaaat?!"

"You mean after all he did for to you? After all he took
from you?"

Yes, although it may sound both crazy and stupid, I did it.

I thought I would be able to love him, and, initially, he was so excited that I was no longer with you that he took me back without hesitation...I looked so good to him. But, whenever he touched me, he wasn't you, so it was never as good as you.

I tried to fake it, but she was disappointed
in me, my choice, that she wouldn't budge.
No vibrations, no trembling, no screaming...
silence...not even a whimper.

He was both furious and embarrassed. He shook my body
wildly saying with a grunt, "Do it! Give it to me!...Come onnnn!"

I tried, but she remained recalcitrant. She, who had been slick, juicy, slimy and succulent, had become as dry as the inside of a wall.
My baby, who had been as hot as cinders burning with the desire of unrelenting love for you, turned cold and unaffected.

She lay they still...motionless...no vibrations...the waves were gone and all that was left were the tears from me missing you. He didn't know where to touch me and he never listened to what I said. He had no respect for me and my body lost respect for me too and refused to cooperate.


When he kissed me, his breath wasn't like yours. He wouldn't kiss me repeatedly. I couldn't fall into him. I tended to give him my cheek.His words were never as funny or unctuous.

I wasn't safe. She didn't feel safe.

I realized that love was the thing I needed in order for her to work. A man had to take his time taking me to bed before she would get involved. Her power was not limited to the concoction of fluid spewing out between my legs...it was my heart and its connection to my brain.

You were in my soul...I was tied to you!

I missed you and I pinned for you. My heart was sinking.
I just wanted to smell you. He didn't smell like you. He
wreaked of deception and self-hatred. I needed the aroma of your
confidence. I desired the euphonious tone of your laughter...it was so
sincere...I thought I made you happy. When he laughed, I always
felt as though he was laughing at me...his snide remarks...he often
sneered at me.

I missed the sounds that erupted from my insides when the passion came
teeming up...that screech in my voice...that billowing out...the emptying of my lungs and the tears you never saw. The weeping I sucked in because I knew I was surrendering too much to yet another man who wouldn't keep me. My loud cries that kept the property manager awake at night were gone. No one knew. There was nothing but breath. And the tears I shed were the tears of a woman who felt stuck in reverse...going back wards...turned around.

I felt unsafe, and, once I realized my mistake, I knew I couldn't be with him any longer.
If I couldn't be with you, I decided, I would never settle for less than you...


What a bold declaration! I had no idea what I was setting myself up for...

I could say one thing for sure: 

“ Allowing you to love me made me accept myself more.” 

It wasn’t until I became intimate with you that I realized how

important it was for me to be happy. I can’t tell you how many 

times I found myself comparing other men to you.

I looked for them to have the same demeanor as you. 

I wanted them to be funny and lively. I hoped that we all had the

 same chemistry…maybe they would sing to me as you did and 

open me up the way I allowed you to…or at least they would 

want to open me up.

To me, you saw me as a diamond that needed to be cultivated. 

Never mind my rough edges and my insecurities, I was a flower 

to you…at least it seemed like I was. I guess in the front of my mind

I knew you and I would never be anything, but somewhere in the back

 of my mind, I hope that you and I would outlast the tests of time. 

I prayed that you would see me worthy of you so that I wouldn’t have to 

try alll of this love stuff again with a stranger.

I remember the day, after making what I thought was passionate love,  I said to you (as she throbbed with so much ecstacy inside of me) “Ummmmm…[moaning in unbridled passionate undertone and nearly out of breath] sometimes, when you’re inside of me, I just wanna scream [panting and breathing uncontrollably]…”

“Do it then” you replied.

“Let yourself go” You added.

“You’re safe with me. I want you to do whatever makes you happy [stroking my hair and looking me in the eye]. I just want to please you. Let me make you happy.”

You didn’t have to tell me twice. The next time we made love I screamed a symphony of passionate cries and I felt as though my insides would cave in. The vibrations and waves syncronized a healthy or unhealthy dose (I couldn’t tell which) of unrelenting craze throughout my soul. I couldn’t stop trembling and, before I knew it, I was calling out your name. Not a pet name or a nickname…your real name. My body went into uncontrollable convulsions; I’m not even sure whether it was cacophonous or euphonous all I knew was that it came from a place that was more pure than anything I had ever tried to pass off as an orgasm. My level of bodily awareness had transended anything I could have ever concieved or wished for and I knew there was no way I could forget it, or cease from craving it.

For a fleeting moment after you walked away, I thought I would never have that with anyone else, now that I understand the role I played in it. It wasn’t some strange medicine or witchcraft that you had beguiled me with…it was me. I understand that it was a choice I made and that I trusted you enough to allow myself to faint inside of you. You were my milk and honey and I wanted you and your bedroom thoughts of me as well as your day-time thoughts of me to collide in an ostentatious mess of brilliance. However, as time moved forward and both she and I waited for your return, we agreed that we could work together to make the man who truly loved us and kept us the best of what you had as well as what we still have to give.

We know that we will be able to provide him (whoever he shall be) with more love than he could possibly fathom. We just hoped that, as we take his breath away, afterwards, he can still breathe.