Up until I embarked upon a relationship journey with yet another man who would prove to leave me stranded, I thought about waiting until I had obtain all of my goals. I was done with being in relationships with guys who needed multiple women to make them feel secure; furthermore, I made a pact with myself to wait for the man that could be IN love with just me, know how to handle me, and make me feel safe enough to submit to him.
My feelings concerning relationships have always been a little unorthodox according to most people's standards. I've always seen myself with a man that could teach me something new. He didn't have to be a master of the English language or possess a didactic demeanor; however, he did need to meet me somewhere intellectually in a place where we both were secure. I needed him to know his choice...own it, and know that I was the one woman he would rather spend his daytime and nighttime thoughts fixated upon.
Unfortunately, it always seems that I have that in the beginning, but, sooner more often than later, I find that those things I thought I saw so strong in him were with either nonexistent or fabricated.
In this last relationship I noticed a pattern...but I tried to ignore it. He hadn't finished his first relationship and he kept it from me. We spent so much time together that his brief periods of absence didn't cause me much alarm. Military men are fairly busy. Then, purely from a guttural intuition, I asked him whether or not he was in a relationship...he paused (that was my first red flag):
"It's complicated" he said, like a convoluted Facebook Relationship status.
"What do you mean it's complicated? Why didn't you tell me?!"
"I didn't know how to tell you. I didn't think we would hit it off like we did. I'm so sorry."
Later, in what I thought was our relationship, that became his mantra..."I'm sorry" or "I didn't mean to" or "I didn't know how to tell you" or "I didn't want to hurt you." Each one of them were a repeat...the essence of a never-ending cycle. A man wanted me (for whatever reason). I was his conquest.
I never gave him an ultimatum because I just don't operate that way. I just explained to him that I couldn't be in a relationship with him if he was with someone else. After two weeks, I asked him had he broken things off with her and he said:
"Ummm...well, not yet."
"Are you serious?! Why not?!"
"I don't know! I guess I'm just being a punk...I don't want to hurt her feelings."
After going back and forth (mostly me saying that I knew he was still in love with her and that was why he couldn't let her go), I decided to leave him alone:
"Okay, I'll tell you what. I'm not a manipulator. I'm not gonna give you an ultimatum. You stay with her and I am going to start seeing other people. No problem."
He thought of me. Often bringing me things I mentioned on the phone. Nice things, necessary things, silly things...made me feel so good inside. Loved me, caressed me, cooked for me, enjoyed me, misbehaved with me, befriended me, watched sports with me, shared with me, peered into my soul and felt me, held me sobbing through the night, was passionate toward me, so compassionate toward me, made me embrace a part of myself that I was a unwilling to venture, courted my heart, opened it wide...and left me drowning. The waters of love that I so willingly bathed in with him became the sea of my discontent.
Now, I am unwilling to budge in resolve to move forward, complete the work I started and give myself the opportunity to obtain a fresh start somewhere else...san love, sans affection...sans feelings...tragically numb.
