It had been a stressful month...or two.
He arrived when I was in the relationship before it fell apart.
He came explaining to be how much he loved me...He was so in love with me, in fact, that I hurt him when I left. He came back with a huge bone to pick with me!
"Me and you could've worked....
I believe we would've still been together!...
I wish you would've just believed in us!"
At the time, I just didn't see it working.
His family was dead-set against it.
He was so young...five years younger than me.
As long as we were together alone, things were great, but
add his family into the mix, and, by the time we got home, it was war.
Yes, we lived together. He was the very first guy I had lived with since my husband walked away from me. It was an experience that was difficult to walk away from.
He was under the impression that I lived to crush him, but, the truth is, we didn't have enough time to fight the oppositions to our relationship. We had never joined forces. All we did was argue. He didn't remember my emotional outbreaks. As I was explaining how I felt about his constant flirting and his lack of respect for me...BUT, like I aforementioned, this only occurred when he felt that he had to show someone that he wasn't "whipped" by me.
I never wanted him around my finger...that couldn't be further from the truth. It seemed he didn't know how organic he was to me. I loved him and I never really wanted to control him...that was the misconception many people in his family had about me. They attempted to protect him from someone as innocuous as a feather. In the end, everything was harder on me, so I had to leave...he didn't see that.
I tried my best to resist the feelings that crept up as we continued to converse. Thirteen years had elapsed... I masked it as best I could until, like a pressure-filled balloon (while alone mind you), I exploded! My pen, well, my keyboard was the victim and the result was a poem about...him...and us.
I poured my heart out like this:
Why
I sit here
wondering
why
my soul is still
tied to you...
the thoughts of us
You think I don't remember
our tender moments
how you held me
and I cried
I felt strong
enough to be
weak
before you.
How I
wanted to
have something with you
but the timing wasn't right
How
when
I hear the
pain in your
voice
it subdues me
Why
sometimes
I want to hold you tight
and kiss your forehead
like I used to
when your head
was nestled
between my breasts
smelling your breath
between
subtle kisses...
Sometimes I feel
you believe
I didn't care for you
that you were an
afterthought
and
worthless to me
but
sometimes
I hope to
smell youfor my senses
to be tickled
by your scent
the aroma of your body
even
when
we were sleeping
How
I would
wake from
a nightmare
pouring sweat
with tears in my eyes
and hold you tighter
next to me
How
I loved
waking up next to you
You
and your slick hairon my pillow
your nasal congestion
your sinus issues
the way you snored
the way you breathed
How I used to wake you
out of apnea
the way it took you longer than me
to get ready
to go anywhere
I still loved you
I loved your strong arms
holding me
and
the way you'd squeeze me tight
when
we were making love
How we talked to one another
sweet sexual conversations
How to please me
How you pleased me!
the OOoooows and ahhhhhs
and sighs you elicited from me
the many gasps
you captivated my breath
after we made love
so many sweet kisses
I tried to hide the barrage
of blushes
when you came home
you came home to me
I loved that
I know you
don't understand why
I can't see you now
I can't talk about yesterday
me leaving
how I never wanted to hurt you
but I knew it was best for you
for us
I know you don't want to believe I ever
felt like you were it for me
how in the midst of
everyone's opinions of me
I still wanted to take you with me
but never posed the idea
because
I knew you would never leave with me
You will never truly know
how I feel
whether or not I have always
struggled with letting you go
walking away from you
How
it was so difficult
for me
that last image of you recapitulating
in my head
how you left
without saying goodbye
frustrated with me
How
I stuffed the pain deep in my chest
and felt like such a fool
for loving someone
who would walk away from me
and become so angry
that I had to go
for my own good
for his own good
that I still loved him
that I wanted to run after him
and ask him not to leave me
and wished he'd love me too
someone I never thought took me seriously
never thought I was worth his ear
So, you'll never know how many times I've asked
myself why:
Why didn't I stay?
Why didn't I fight?
Why did I lose you?
Why were our lives so difficult
apart from one another?
Why?
Why do I, after all of this time, still feel
my heart begins a new cadence
when I hear your voice...
Why?
Write to me and
I love the way 
