Chapter 1: Volume 1

Okay, I must admit. I sat there stunned and weeping after I read the text. I was shocked, dismayed and discouraged. I couldn’t stop thinking about all of our nights that turned to days and all of our outings that turned into nights and then days again.

Who could forget all of the hair I pulled out of your hair bumps. The way you used to brush my hair. How I used to grease your scalp.

The moments we spent together wrestling, laughing and talking. How could you talk for hours and expose the very inner recesses of your soul with someone you never wanted to belong to you, to be your own.

How many times had we lie there is infinite embrace (our bodies were intertwined like an amazingly gorgeous pretzel). Um lovely! All of this flash-backing because of a simple text…well, two. Now, I’m caught in a tale-spin. Trying to hold it all together. My classroom is spinning and I can hardly breathe.

I can’t believe YOU would respond this way to me. Maybe it was her. I mean, all I wrote was: “I know we don’t talk anymore, bt I wnt u 2 no I still consider u my brthr and my frind. I still luv u and I still pray 4 u. I still believe n u. Have a blest week.” I would’ve wrote more, but I was running out of characters.

Was that so wrong? Why wouldn’t it make your heart glad to know that I still think of you. That you are not a passing thought. That you still mean the world to me, even if you chose to be with someone new (or old, or hidden), and I still care about you. Is it okay that thoughts of you still make me excited and that our time together was riddle with happiness and that you helped me find myself and develop a love for me. I don’t understand.

I often think about it. The way me met on MySpace. LMBO! Your e-mail was so convincing as you explained how you were new in the area and didn’t have any friends. Do you remember? You didn’t have any friends here and you thought my profile page was interesting or was it my bio? Well, whatever it was, you had me hooked the moment I read it. I nice man, very articulate, I could tell you were special and loving, so I called you up.

Who would’ve known we’d hit it off? Who would think that I would actually like you? You seemed so helpful, funny and well-put-together. I still believe that about you.

Do you remember when we finally had an opportunity to meet?

There you stood 5’4, just kidding, I think you said you were 5’8, but I could never understand why we literally saw eye-to-eye and I’m only 5’4 ½ (yes, and a HALF). It’s okay though. You had to be the shortest guy I had ever dated, but I didn’;t mind because you had a butt like a coffee table and I was trying, being a Christian and all, not to stare at all of that butt you had. I was thinking OMG! This guys has a whole lot of junk in his trunk! Geeeee-wiz!! I wanted to touch it so bad, but I just couldn’t fondle you on the first date. I mean, what would you have thought of me if I would have rubbed your butt like a genie lamp the first day I met you? I figured it wasn’t a good idea.

You gave me a hug and it felt so good. I didn’t want to let you go and I really wanted to grab your butt. Okay, this is making me laugh, but I really need to stay focused!

When I saw your face, I remembered thinking: Hes not the most handsome guy, but he has the best personality I’ve ever seen on a guy. He’s definitely a keeper! Apparently not for me, yet a keeper indeed. I wanted to keep you. I wish I could’ve kept you. When I think back, I wish you would’ve wanted to keep me.

It seemed like you enjoyed my company, so we went everywhere. Remember? I do:

You pummeled me in bowling, you creamed me in running, you took me around with you and hung with me, even though I was fat and disgusted with myself.

Whenever I said something negative about myself, you would encourage me. You would tell me how much I was worth saying so many times: Yolanda, you are valuable and anyone who doesn’t know that doesn’t deserve you. I thought you meant it. I don’t know if you did now.

So, you encouraged me to lose the weight and I was afraid. I told you I gained the weight so that I would never be attractive enough for a man to want to rape me. I told you that was one of my biggest fears, being raped. Then you said something no man had ever told me: “I just want to be your protector. I just want to make you safe.” NO ONE says that! One of the things I’ve learned in my brief period living is that men, for the most part, do NOT make statements that involve permanence. They may allude to issues surrounding permanence, yet, in all of their doings and interactions with women they are NOT interested in, they do not make promises or put themselves in permanent scenarios with women they don’t want to be permanence with.

It still puzzles me. You never needed anything from me. I had nothing, yet you committed yourself to me and showed me more love than any other man did. You made me smile, inside. And, every time I told you one of my horrific stories: the time I was held against my will, the countless rapes I experienced, the way my husband walked away from me, the things I went through with my baby’s father and how I continued to struggle with his controlling ways, you seemingly couldn’t find anything wrong with me. You followed me. Soon, you became the perfect man for me.

I wanted to tell the whole world about you. I wanted to tell everyone I knew how excited I was to finally meet a man who made my insides smile. Finally, I met someone who made me feel like I was worth more that a good head-job or some wild and crazy sex. You made me feel beautiful, and for the first time, I became a soft, supple, gorgeous woman. You brought me out of my cocoon; then, you left me. What a confusing gesture…you were my best friend and so much more. You wanted to be my protector (so you said), but you left me out here with the wolves and the liars and the have-nots and the want-nothings and the “girl, come and back that thang up,” and the “come and give me some of that pussy”s and the “I don’t want no commitment, but I would tear that a** up!” and the men who only see a single-parent as a good piece of meat. Guys who only want me for one thing or the other, but never for me.

You left me with those guys who think I was created to help them get out of debt and that my success means that I should give back to them because they need a good woman to get a leg-up in life. You left me with them and the memories we shared and your honesty. How could I be angry when I am a much happier and reassured woman because of you. Your admonishments. Your coaxing me and encouraging me. You got me to a point where there was nothing I wouldn’t do for you, yet you never attempted to use me up…you just showed me love and my understanding fails me. I am not intelligent enough to understand why you walked away from me.

I often wonder why I wasn’t good enough for you. When I asked you, you told me “There’s nothing wrong with you and don’t let anyone tell you different. Please don’t let my indecisiveness lead you to believe that you are not a great woman. There’s nothing wrong with you Yolanda.”