Chapter 1: Volume 3

So I sat there on a Saturday night and I wondered what I was doing:

I know I hadn't allowed myself to fall into anything with this guy and I understand that I didn't feel forced or manipulated into doing something I didn't want to do; however, I feel like this could be the beginning or something destructive.

I was not unlike those tragic heroes and heroines in Shakespearean and Sophoclesean tragedies. I had my moment to correct my behavior. It all made sense; I needed to stop going on those sites and get healed from the pain that was plaguing me, but, the truth is, I was just too hurt to go to God. I felt like I needed a man to fill that void. I was lonely for a man.

There seated on my chaise lounge was a woman who became angry at herself for not being good enough for the one man who made her feel secure. In fact, Yolanda became so livid that she was determined to do something about it. She was going to find someone to feed her hear. She felt she needed the unctuous words he fed her; that became her quest and she persued it with ardent zeal!

I started adding everyone who wanted to become my friend, but I knew I could only manage one networking site other than Facebook. Before I knew it, I was on one of the networking sites, known for finding black men and women, more than I was on, Facebook, my favorite networking site. I was hooked. I was on a mission and I was ready to make that mission a part-time job.

If I don't find a man I'm gonna die! If I don't have an opportunity to feel myself...to be a woman. I needed that attention you gave me. I needed to feel like I was more than a mother, teacher, colleague, friend, confidant...I needed to feel feminine. I needed to hear myself giggle....laughing inside...smiling like my teeth weren't crooked. You just made me so happy. I needed it. I was addicted to it. I loved the way you loved me.

This time I had a better method for screening guys. Although my goal at first was to simply land a date, I wanted to be sure that I heavily screened undesireable suitors like SEXYPAPA69, DIGGININU, and NASTYROMMY (I haven't talked about him yet). My new process was quite methodical and I was proud of myself because it seemed to be working:

1. Look carefully at the screen name before reading a note. If the name had "INCHES, NASTY, or any references to sexual positions, I deleted it.
2. Once I've read the note, before I decided to respond, I researched the guy's site. I looked at his message, pictures, quotes and friends.
3. Respond to the note and wait for him to ask for contact information
4. When he asks for contact info, I gave him my Yahoo IM ID.
5. We had to chat for on the IM until I felt comfortable enough to talk to him on the phone.
6. Once I decided it was okay to talk to him, I still waited at least a month before meeting him and we had to meet in a public place. I was sure to tell him this ahead of time.

Did my process work?