Chapter 1: Volume 5

It's okay though.

I had been left often.

Abandonment was a feeling

I feared immensely.

Who wants to be left?

After my flashback, I did what I always do: bounce back.

Just call me a rubber ball!

So now I'm sitting here. Not feeling sorry for myself, just sitting.
It's something how I have a tendency to think of you when I'm down (even though you walked away from me).

Most of the time my mind goes back to that day we sat on you couch talking. You seemed like the first guy I felt I could tell anything. We used to talk about everything. Do you remember how you used to share with me?

This particular time, you sat there with my thighs draped across your lap...my head close to yours. I could hear you breathing and I felt as though I had sat inside of your soul. I could hear you breathe and had sat close enough to smell your breath. I had my right hand on your chest and could feel your heart beat.

I know it may sound sensual if someone were to read my thoughts, but, for the first time it wasn't. We just liked to sit like that. That was my safe position. There you were, feeding me good things...great thoughts...loving words. I needed that and you didn't mind giving it to me.

This thought made me miss you more. Made me feel so lonely; however, it also makes me feel so happy to know that I had that. I know assuredly that, if I never have it again, what you gave me in those cuddling moments was priceless. The accolades you spoke to me. The pure love that I felt as you courted my mind/

I didn't even want to go to the rest room. I just wanted to sit there.

Those memories are carefully placed in my memory under "Memories I Keep." You made me feel so secure and I let my heart float when I was with you. I let myself feel pretty. I could finally blossom. I was budding and now that bud is forever frozen in time waiting for the one who will set her free...to defrost her. Most times I wonder whether or not it is even possible any more.

My heart trusted yours. My body craved your touch. My mind longed for those unctuous words, the affirmations, and the respect you had for me.

I lost it, and I have no idea why.

Now, I find the man that may respect me, but doesn't know what to say to me... May have the sweet words, but demands too much of my time...Might like to have my attention, all of it, but doesn't care about my children...Most of them don't really care that I am busy, exhausted or have children. Maybe he's not capable of love or just wants one or two wild nights of passionate (or even rough) sex...He's the man that sends me pictures of his penis whether I want them or not...The man that asks me to send him pictures of my vagina...daily and, when I refuse, I don't hold the same level of excitement. They abandon me whether I want them to or not...it hurts.

I was so enthralled with you that I forgot how it felt to be alone....now I remember. Even when I had a plethora of numbers in my phone, I still knew that you were the one I longed for. Now it doesn't really matter because I don't even know where you are and I'm not interested in going backward anymore. I have finally decided, after many years of turning my face to the damage abandonment causes, that I will no longer turn my face from it. I am convinced that I will have the man that is for me; however, I am certain...he cannot be you.

I emerge.