It felt so good to think that someone would love me, that a man (especially a black man), would be able to deal with the issues I developed during years of abuse. I was afraid (actually the degree of trepidation I experienced was unreal and virtually indescribable). I found myself (and still do) a great mother, an excellent educator and mentor, a prolific writer, a blessed student and a wonderful woman. He made me see so much good in me and caused me to open up like a blooming rose...now spent. I was at home with him because finally I had a protector on earth (someone who loved me for me).He said he would be there for me though...that he saw something in me that caused him pause...he was stuck on me and it really felt like he loved me...He was my friend before it began to evolve, which made me feel secure...I didn't want to write about my past. He had finally caused me to think about my present. It seemed the pain from my past was becoming a distant memory. Finally, I was beginning to become a woman who had over came those obstacles of my youth: the rapes, molestations, the things men had done to me. I wasn't his toy. I was his baby.
My children loved him! They asked about him constantly, and, when my youngest one couldn't get his father on the phone, he would talk to him. That was his little man and my oldest son was so speaking positives too. He thought that I had finally met a man that was more like him. I was happy and he was willing to believe that not all black men abandoned women...he, even Jay, thought he saw love between us and I had never saw him be so elated for me because I, as we all thought, had finally met someone who made me feel safe enough to open up as wide as I could.
I was wide open...which is why, when it ended, it hurt worse than it ever did and now, I'm damaged, and, just like all of the men in my past who had abused me, he walked away without an explanation...only accusations...no real closure and his attitude toward me was very cold and dismissive.
I have to step away from the book for a moment and write from my heart. I've come to the realization that, though I wasn't before, I am officially bitter. Although I don't wish to vilify anyone, I do feel the need to expose some of the things that occurred in our relationship so I can see the things I did wrong as well as bring to light the things that men shouldn't do. I'm almost 40 and I'm tired. I'm mostly tired of the negative things we do to one another and how we walk away like nothing happened. We need to be accountable for the damage we cause. We ALL need to acknowledge the selfish acts we commit that cause people unnecessary pain; then, we need to CHANGE because our recalcitrance and unwillingness to admit the damage we cause and CHANGE our current course is what is killing women and men.
We have to be responsible with others' hearts. We must resolve to be HONEST.
I hope that you can excuse my the candidness of my writings for the next few weeks as I am coming on the eve of the healing process.
Someone new, well actually from high school, has resurfaced in my life. Though it feels good to be doted on and cared for, I find that the residue from the other relationship creeps back up and causes me to doubt him. I hope that, if it is meant to be and all of his promises are pure, we can make it. First, we have to make it through my doubts and fears, which are now heightened. I hope he holds on because i believe he's a keeper...plus, he's my homie (he knows me).
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