Sensual Moments: A Titillating Revelation

Recently, I found myself in serious warfare. Although I'm not completely out of it, I strongly believe it is appropriate to mention in this forum because I am certain it will help so many who are dealing with the same feelings and difficulties. Be mindful, I know I am on the edge of victory with this thing, so I'm not posting for advice; instead, I would like for us to clear the air so that some of us who thought they were alone will see freedom...here goes:

Many of you know that I have been talking about my victory and that I am on my way to Canaan. I've been talking about a PUSH (primarily pushing through difficulties to obtain the promises God has for me. 

Recently, I found myself struggling and winded without a clue as to why. I'd been trusting, praising and worshiping God more than ever, and, though I know that's when the enemy normally attacks you, I knew it was more than that. I wanted to know what God was showing me about ME, not the devil. I mean...duh...satan's desire is to kill, steal and destroy, so I know he's not happy I'm on the Lord's side. However, what I saw in myself were some unnatural craving...things from my past. My chief question on the edge of victory today was: Why am I (internally) out of control. I wasn't acting on my thoughts, but BOY did I have them (more details on the blog). 

As I was walking today, in my mind, I asked God what in the world was wrong with me. You see, it's easy to blame satan, he's an easy scapegoat, but how willing are we to delve into the core of our issues and see what it is about OUR thought processes that causes us to vacillate between holy living and unrighteous decisions? If we are honest, some of us have a proclivity for things that God never intended for us to be ensnared by; nonetheless, we find ourselves there...so why? So that we can obtain the victory that brings nations out of their own conundrum.

Here's the story:


I lost my best friend.


No, she didn't pass, she just stopped reaching out to me. I found myself reaching...pushing myself beyond those feelings of rejection and saying to myself, "She's just going through some things. She'll come around."


She didn't.


I wanted to talk to her about my triumphs and difficulties. I felt like I needed her to help me increase my faith. 


She wasn't there.


Shortly after, I realize she probably wouldn't be there...I had to come to the realization that she wouldn't see me off...there would be no celebration before I left...I had to take into consideration that June 23rd would come and leave like any other day and that maybe I would never see her again. That's when it all started.


I've always had issues with sex. If you've read any of this blog, you already know that sex wasn't my favorite thing to do. I mean, I loved the accolades a man would give me:


"Owwwww baaaaby! You do that sooooo good! Ummmm....yeaaaaa!"

Yes, sex was the one thing I did well. I could write a book about it...in a sense, I am.


I found myself longing to hear those words. To give a man something to mmmmm for. I wanted to feel myself get wet enough for a man to feel amazing...he's the man if he can make a woman like me desire him...the thought...that anticipation of getting what I would give him. Knowing that I could please any man by merely listening to the changes in his breathing...the moans he tries to hold back...the cries he can't hold in. The eminent explosion as he begs me to stop reminding me that he's not ready.


A priceless transfer of power....


I never acted on it, but I thought about it, frequently. I just wanted to hear that sound.


I found myself going to church at war with my lower nature. I knew what God had said. I knew what God had confirmed. 
I thought Houston...I knew I couldn't stay in North Carolina, but I wouldn't have ever thought of Dallas, a place I had never lived, becoming my permanent home. However, I never tried to fight what God was saying. I only knew that God had to work everything out because I understood that no help was coming for me. No one really cared if I did everything alone...I had to pray.

I thought it was the devil, and I would have loved to blame it on him. Unfortunately, as time wained on, I realized one fundamental truth, it was me. I wanted to lie with a man. I wanted to hear him bellow out my name. I wanted to touch him where no woman had touched him. I wanted to make him blow my phone up begging for more. I did...it took so much for me to own up to the fact that Yolanda wanted to ensnare a man simply to reject him. Give him all of that pleasure and walk away...yep, no cuddling, no kissing, no after-the-sex conversation just leave him in uncontrollable convulsions, get up, kiss him on his forehead and walk out the door.


It went on for days after I sent her the e-mail explaining how hurt I was that she was ignoring me. It got worse after I received her e-mail convinced that she didn't understand the pain I was going through without her. That night, for the first time in so long, I pleasured myself...still loving God, coming out exhausted and saying, "Lord, I'm so sorry." Although I knew it was better that I hadn't did it with a man...I felt as though I hadn't hurt anyone, but I knew for certain that it only made me want more...that was the beginning.


I went to church one evening...empty. I knew I had a real issue and continued to fight it. In my heart, I wanted to wait until I'm married before I lie with a man, but, in my flesh, I really didn't care. Besides, there are so many people doing it and they love God. 

I wrestled...I had so many men talking to me about sex. They started coming out of everywhere. Before I knew it, I was explaining my position on it with my body on fire. Avoiding the conversation and fighting the desire to give up and just do what everyone else does. I thought, I'm about to be 40 and here I am waiting. I don't have any friends. I don't have any support. I am in debt up to my eyeballs. I'm 1,100 miles away from my family. I need to be encouraged...I feel so stuck. Maybe if I do it just one time and don't attempt to be connected to anyone, I'll feel so much better. I knew better, so that thought didn't last long.


I started reaching out to men on social networks. I knew I wouldn't meet them; I just wanted to talk to someone who was facinated in me. They think I'm cute...awwww...I wanted some attention. I only told a couple of trustworthy friends what I was going through...it was personal, but I knew that, if I didn;t tell anyone, I would act on the urges. I didn't want to because, even though I am no goodie-two-shoes, I do desire in my heart to be pure before God. I have two sons I need to be an example to and so many young women who are watching my life...I had to keep it together for them more than myself.


It wasn't until I went for a run that I started thinking about why all of this started...what was my problem? Was I just horny? 


Some people may disagree with me, but the answer is a resounding no. If I was horny, there are plenty of men I could ask for some affection and the issue would be resolved. I asked God to reveal to me where all of it began...soon I had my answer.

I have so many issues with rejection. When I was younger, the way I dealt with rejection was to have some knock-down-drag-out-mind-blowing sex. I always had a guy that was freaky enough to give me what I needed, that self-esteem boost. The "Ohhhhh Landa baby dang!" It was good to hear a man say every now and then stupid stuff like: "Owww marry me!" or "Ima hafta keep you baby!"


It was all I could do to keep myself from telling them how good it felt to hear the lies I knew would never come into fruition, and, after a while, I didn't mind any more. Now that I know I'm worth the owws and ahhhhs outside of the bed, I seek something different. Therefore, I know that, when I want to go back to that, I am dealing with the symptoms of rejection. Feeling as though I wasn't good enough for my friend to hang in there with me made me desire to hear the one thing I was always good enough for, a man's favorite bedtime toy.


Once I realized it, I had to correct my behavior. It was difficult. Now that I'm on the edge of my victory, I see a few things: 


1. It hurt for my bff to reject me. Even when I told her I felt rejected, she didn't really understand why. I felt she didn't validate my feelings so, with a life that was rife with rejection and dismissals, I started craving the one thing that made me feel valuable.


2. I have a purpose that is bigger than myself and I am closer than ever to it coming into fruition. At times I am both misunderstood and abandoned...maybe this further solidifies that it's time for me to go. 

3. I see myself. I know that I lean on my sensual side when I feel as though people don't understand me. Sex isn't hard to understand; either you have skills or you're learning them. However, without sex (when you're single), life is more complicated. Had I retreated into the bed (or a floor...etc) with a man, it would given me a little time to take my mind off of my son's father's desires to take him away from me, that everything I've known for the last 11 years is about to be gone...I will be in a new place and that alone is a little scary...seeing that I am concerned about my move and how much I'm losing...the fact that I'm taking my baby away from his family...my oldest son away from his friends...It's a tough decision to make. The biggest thing I know for sure is that God is on my side. In retrospect, once all of the bedroom festivities are over,  I still have to face myself, my fears and all of my decisions and that man I would've decided to have one or two or three or seven or ten or...(you get it) romps in the sack with wouldn't have been able to help me. Just like any other addiction I'd awaken from the erotic opiates with no solution for my tears. 


So what have I decided to do?

Release those feelings...Save myself,  love myself, and celebrate my time in NC with my children. This year is an amazing milestone for me. I've been alive nearly 40 years, which is something I never thought I would have been able to say. I will embrace this final 30 days in a land I came to call home. I will continue to cling to the Lord. He never rejected me. He never left me. He never stopped contacting me. He will go both before me and with me, so  I have no reason to be apprehensive or afraid. He has always upheld me with His right hand.


As for my feelings about my friend, I still love her. I pray for her that she would do well in her endeavors. I'm not upset with her; instead, I'm trying to find a way not to internalize it. Her actions helped me to find the dangerous epicenter of every mistake Ive ever made while attempting to deal with rejection. I've learned to face it rather than run from it.


I see my own reactions to rejection and I refuse to use my body to regain my power. By refuting the lies and refusing to defile myself, I maintain my power over the memories that often attempt to haunt me...the words that recapitulate in my mind: "You ain't nothin'; you ain't neva gon be nothin'. The only thing you're good for is suckin' or ridin' d*ck." I don't receive it!  No matter what happens, I refuse to go backward. I am worth more and I will take no shorts. Do I still have sexual cravings? Yes...that's normal, but what I won't do is take that as an indication that I should chase accolades. 


The Lord is my strength. I will lean on Him through this! 
Selah!