Living the Unforgettable: Never Give Up On You

I took a moment to gaze over my life to review any sources of frustration or anxiety. 

I began by looking at anything that has occurred in my life in the last few months and I found so much pain oozing out of my smile.

I know that sounds nasty.

I was smiling, but, behind the smile, I was disgusted with myself. I felt like a loser.

Why?

I didn't know; however, I dedicated my time to finding out!

After much deliberation and intense soul-searching, I found out. I was drained because I had tried my best to put everyone in my life first. I wanted to sow some seeds into the lives of others by treating them the way I would love to be treated. I was convinced that, if I did this, those same people would see the good in me and the sincerity of my heart and merge with me. I felt that my life and their lives would be greatly enhanced by joining together as a team or family. I believed that, through our support of one another, everyone involved would live better lives. It didn't happen.

I don't think I was wrong. Instead, I believe it was a good idea to support others...to love and respect the people who are placed in our lives is of paramount importance. Being a blessing to others and being selfless is what God always intended for us to do. Consequently, we must be careful. I learned that we need a balance in everything. 

I encourage you...if you have unnecessary heartache in your life, reassess your situation, make your wisest decision and value yourself. If you haven't yet, claim your balance. It's your time. 

Make today your day of recovery. It's time for you to live. Never give up on you! 


Make your final days on this earth...unforgettable.

My Heart: The Quiet Fury of An Unrelenting Spirit

My life, it has unraveled so many times in ways that caused me to believe that my choices were limited.

I've always been that woman with the tainted past who made choices based on the rejection of others.

I meet someone. I believe in him...he feeds me unctuous words and I devour them. Soon (way too soon) I give him my body and sweet love. He enjoys it and demands it. I provide what he demands only for him to squeeze me out...take me for granted and drain me of my resolve.

The giving in the relationship...the accolades...the pretend love...admiration for the things I was able to do to please him all gave me the rush I needed to feel validated. It was my drug and I needed a daily fix or I frequently questioned my worth. It seemed that my best moments were when I knew I made the man in my life happy...They loved that about me if nothing else. I was nothing more than a good night. No attention to my heart and my situation....no love...no investment in my feelings.

After a while, the lonely nights, heart-breaking excuses and reluctant begging wore me down to a sabbatical.  Each time, I went without having intercourse and "got my life right" so that I could wait for the right man (Sr. Alusivo). The time soon came, after years of celibacy, when I had decided I needed to hear the adulation. Every time, I gave up at that impasse and each and every time, I regretted it.

I've decided that, no matter what, I will not give up on me. I refuse to regret my existence...I see my days beautiful!

Through my periods of vacillation, I've learned the moments that seem to matter. Those times when I seem to need the attention and praise of a man remain ephemeral reminders of my long-term cycle of heartbreak. I pray that, if you see yourself in my story, you will stop for a moment and think about yourself...be true to the love in your hear, make your beauty bigger. Avoid giving yourself away. Instead, patiently wait for those authentic moments...value your love and your visage and the temporary will melt away.

Here's your accolade for today: You are important. You are amazing. You are worthy and worth it! Never give up on you...continue with your unrelenting spirit. In the words of Dylan Thomas, "Do not give in to that good night / rage against the dying of the night..."

When the lights go out, we're all still human.

It's been a sweet sabbatical filled with movie-matinees, dinner-dates and late-night jazz/blues sessions. I've even had an opportunity to do a little singing...it's been pretty nice, but rather empty. When I decided about a month ago to start going out again, I didn't know what I was in for. I didn't expect to enjoy it and I didn't expect my longing for solace to become so deep.

No thoughts of relationship, courting or commitment...simply relaxing and hanging out with a couple of people who seemed to be enthralled with my zany humor and infectious laughter.

The satisfaction and thrill from it has been short-lived. It's laughable how many of us crave a certain lifestyle...everything we thought being grown was all about. Then, when we have an opportunity to spill out some Carpe Diem, we fall short of the ambition it takes to be that diva-chick.

I find myself still desiring this one man. A complete man who knows his faults and short-comings as well as mine, but sees the beauty in every sunshine, the bliss in the air-filled atmosphere, the invigoration behind one's ability to fill his/her lungs with weightless air.

I'm still waiting for you, babe. No matter how long it takes.

Selah!