My Heart: The Quiet Fury of An Unrelenting Spirit

My life, it has unraveled so many times in ways that caused me to believe that my choices were limited.

I've always been that woman with the tainted past who made choices based on the rejection of others.

I meet someone. I believe in him...he feeds me unctuous words and I devour them. Soon (way too soon) I give him my body and sweet love. He enjoys it and demands it. I provide what he demands only for him to squeeze me out...take me for granted and drain me of my resolve.

The giving in the relationship...the accolades...the pretend love...admiration for the things I was able to do to please him all gave me the rush I needed to feel validated. It was my drug and I needed a daily fix or I frequently questioned my worth. It seemed that my best moments were when I knew I made the man in my life happy...They loved that about me if nothing else. I was nothing more than a good night. No attention to my heart and my situation....no love...no investment in my feelings.

After a while, the lonely nights, heart-breaking excuses and reluctant begging wore me down to a sabbatical.  Each time, I went without having intercourse and "got my life right" so that I could wait for the right man (Sr. Alusivo). The time soon came, after years of celibacy, when I had decided I needed to hear the adulation. Every time, I gave up at that impasse and each and every time, I regretted it.

I've decided that, no matter what, I will not give up on me. I refuse to regret my existence...I see my days beautiful!

Through my periods of vacillation, I've learned the moments that seem to matter. Those times when I seem to need the attention and praise of a man remain ephemeral reminders of my long-term cycle of heartbreak. I pray that, if you see yourself in my story, you will stop for a moment and think about yourself...be true to the love in your hear, make your beauty bigger. Avoid giving yourself away. Instead, patiently wait for those authentic moments...value your love and your visage and the temporary will melt away.

Here's your accolade for today: You are important. You are amazing. You are worthy and worth it! Never give up on you...continue with your unrelenting spirit. In the words of Dylan Thomas, "Do not give in to that good night / rage against the dying of the night..."