This evening I sat down to have a transparent talk with someone...it was deep. It's always deep when I'm sharing my story, and it's hard too...sometimes.
I did notice something though.
No tears...no feelings of fear or anxiety.
Could it be that the conversation I had only days ago with a repentant ex-boyfriend; the one where I cried out...holding back all that I could only to squeak out words I never wanted to admit, "No one has ever loved me," I muttered beneath shuddering whimpers...trying my best not to let the hurt seep out...I recalled when I was so tied (ensnared is a better word) by the idea of investing into someone. Believing in the laws of reciprocity. Hoping I would reap what I had sown no matter whether the ground was good or bad...just because I believed in them...the men who scorned me, abused me and released me.
"I've hurt so bad," I squeaked...embarrassed at the idea that I had wounds so deep that I nearly deemed myself irreparable, entirely worthless and deeply eschewed.
Wounds from my past...from my childhood.
This day, though, I felt a release when my story came tumbling out. I was talking about my baby girl, Yolanda. That child I had often blamed for her woes, blow-ups and misgivings. Her explicit past, where she often lived...in her heart balled up in a corner hoping no man would touch her. It was as though I finally realized that she was that daughter I never had and the one person I had finally learned not to neglect...to embrace.
As I spoke of her, that past of sexual abuse and pain, I smiled because I had finally come to the greatest and most fulfilling conclusion:
If you find yourself in my story, look in the mirror...take a moment to smile.
Embrace yourself if you can. That person staring back at you is greater than a survivor.
He or she is an overcomer and a victor.
You, too,should be so proud!
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1. I tapped into the foundation of my angst and frustration and this morning I cut the head off of that giant! #Hallelujah
1. I find athletic men absolutely sexy...I'm saved, but I do mean sexy (no edit-I do have to pull down thoughts). 
In life, our perceptions drive us. We often believe that, when we don't reach our goals the way we expected to, we have failed. We have big God-given dreams. When we hear the call of God, we know we can do it. We hear the Word of God with confidence and run to tell someone. Then, opposition arrives, and, as obstacles come, we feel as though we've made a mistake, and, in fear, we often give up before we can accomplish the goal. Regrettably, that's when we create our own concepts of failure based on our fears of inadequacy and many times the eschewed views or disbelief of others. 
