Chapter 1: Volume 6

Silken Rose

She is like satin
Rare silk
She is smooth and soft
Wet and loving
She is my baby
Beautiful
Her life is as pink as the carnation
Her love resembles the lily
And when she is happy
She cries out joy
She has been battered
But loves the feeling of her silk
Celebrates herself
And loves living
No one abused her that she does not love
She prays for them
As she awaits the one
Who will send her into rhythmic ecstasy
She waits
And I wait
For she is a part of me
And she is in good company.


I remember the first time I read this poem to anyone. It was a woman and, when I told her what it was about, she found it repulsive. I thought of a way to weave it into this conversation because I know that it is poignant to my getting over you and that bereft feeling you left me with. 


Once I allowed a man to read it, he found it difficult to understand it. He was so honest though and he took a good stab at it. I was amazed at your response. You knew right away what it meant. Perhaps it was because I had told you my story. Maybe it was because I sat there heaving it up and you swallowed ever part of it like a starving raven ravishing prey.


"It's about your womanhood" you said.


"Nooooo..." I replied (with a hint of soft correction in my voice)


"Yes it is Yolanda" you added "Your wo-man-hooood" 


"Ohhhhh!" I said (with a huge smile on my face and a little chuckle behind my smile) I showed every single tooth when I smiled at you. You just made me beam that way.


You got it.


You understood.

When I was younger, I hated the feelings I had in my body. I never wanted to have the big O! No man deserved to have that. However, as I became an adult and lived pass 30 I realized that I needed to love my self, guard my femininity and allow myself to become soft, supple and beautiful. I just didn't know how to do it.


I learned her and I felt sorry for her. 


I used to think of the vagina as something totally separate from my body...almost lie a foreign body...an appenditure. I took care of her aesthetically: I washed her, shaved her and learned her, yet I was often angry that she had any feeling. The moment I wanted a man, she acted up! She lacked self-control; therefore, I felt the need to tame her. I starved her and I used my mind to render her inept and nonfunctional. 


I think she weeped.


I felt as though I used her myself, but I didn't know what to do about her because no one had taught me how to tame the feelings produced inside of her. I loved her, yet I still thought of her as a raging beast.


When I met you, those thoughts changed. I decided to explore what I could do to release her from the bondage I had ensnared her in. I wanted to see what it felt like to allow her to feel as intensely as she wanted to and to let myself go completely. 

You may remembered. I shook. I trembled and convulsed. 


Oooooohhhhh myyyyy! I thought 


This is so good I might just die!


I think I did (in a way). I'm sure I did. My spiritual side did. I let my guard down too. I let go too much and it killed some things I needed to keep alive. However, when I read the poem and think about what I should be doing with her...simply taking care of her...loving her (not through masturbation)...telling her that she was special....she is beautiful and deserves it. This means that I have to protect her now.


I was concerned with protecting her when I was with you. That's why it took so long for me to let my guard down with you. You groomed me though. You made sure I knew you wanted more than just sex from me, yet, it seemed like such a fantastic front. Why would you want to love me? Why would you want to be with me? 


I couldn't wrap my mind around it.


I wore a ring to protect my chastity and you playfully attempted to pull it off. I should have known then, but we bantered all the time and I figured you were just being playful...you weren't. You had decided you would ravish me...take my cleanliness, dirty me up and then leave me for the woman you really wanted to be with. You took such good care of me that I never saw it coming.


I went through a whirlwind of emotions. Many ups...then downs. My biggest regret, however, is that I didn't protect her like I promised. I thought you would love her...that you would take care of her for me. You did...to some extent. 


You made her feel in ways that she had never, ever had. I was afraid. I didn't want to do it because I knew you would leave me, but you convinced me you never would. 


"Just let go....it's okay."


I did and I fell so hard for you that I didn't know how to spring back. I did...eventually, but she craved you for so long after. It seemed as though she had a mind of her own. While I thought of the times I had with you going out together, having engaging conversations and generally enjoying your company, she seemed to only think of the pleasure you gave her. Then my brain began to go back to the accolades you paid me...sweet accolades...very few and far between. You were so quiet, so when you said something, I knew I was pleasing you. 


You courted my mind, and my body putting a hook in my soul. You arrested me.

I occasionally shook it off to allow another man to come into my life, yet I didn't want any of them touching me because you had owned my body. My soul was tied to you and she cried out for your affection. Her cries, however, were muffled by your new attention...I had lost you...we had lost you.


I promised myself I would never do that to her again.


I will keep my promise.