Chapter 3: Volume 1

I had no idea how I would do it.
I had never met anyone like you before.
No man had ever paid such close attention to my wants and needs...my
favorite color, my biggest fears...you listened to my gruesome stories of a
broken past and shattered dreams and I eagerly awaited, with bated breath,
your replies and promises of security.

No man had ever made such bold statements:
"I just want to be your protector!"

Men didn't say the sorts of things you did, so naturally I believed you meant them.
I never would have thought you would walk away for me;
sometimes I still can't believe you left me.

So, my search continued.

I met quite a few guys some very attractive and some not-so-attractive.
The guys that were most interesting were the ones that either wanted to make me think they had things they didn't own, or those who felt the need to over-emphasize what they had as though their things would mean something to me.

Like the one who worked for the dealership who picked me up in one of the dealership's vehicles.

I thought:


I must be pretty special if he doesn't mind losing his
job taking me around in a vehicle that doesn't belong to him.


It was a sports car and he drove it like a bat out of hell...I wasn't impressed...I was prayin'!

Then, there was the guy with the Charger with a hemi engine...the car was yeah-I-got-plenty-money red. He was much younger than me and at times he talked about himself as well as his wealth in third person. He had to take to me his brand new condo. I know I shouldn't have gone, but I did. He seemed pretty harmless and he kept telling me how mature he was. He swore he wanted to be with me because of my story and the fact that I had such high moral values; what he didn't realize was that my moral judgment had eroded. I wasn't as innocent as he thought. I had a darkness lurking within me and it stemmed from my vehement desire to prove myself worthy of a man...a glance...a word of perfection...a compliment...ANYTHING! You had left me so empty that I was a fragment of who I had become...The champion God had fashioned me into was a past blurb and all that was left was a longing to feel wanted and loved by someone.

I was a chasm of weakness looking for the next accolade and my only clear thought was that I would NOT allow it to come from a man that I did not find deserving. I finally had a standard, but it was a broken one. The one thing I knew was that I wasn't about to be in love with another man who couldn't appreciate my intellect as well as my struggle.

Once I went into his condo and took a photo with him (something he insisted upon), I realized I was just one of many women he would see that night. He claimed he needed to call it a night. I had seen enough, so I agreed. I knew he wouldn't get what he wanted from me...an older woman to bed down with...and older woman to conquer for the night.

After he walked me to my vehicle and we said goodnight (no kiss...you were still in my lips), he got in his car. "Goodnight tired-young-guy" I said under my breath. I wasn't hurt that he had lied. I was relieved. I didn't have to keep up the facade that I was enjoying his company. He was too self-absorbed and that bored me. As he drove off with his loud hemi-engine humming, I got into my vehicle with one thought on my brain:


This is why I just can't date anybody.
This is just a waste of my time.