Chapter 2: Volume 3

So, I began my search and it was a difficult one.
No one else had ever made me feel the way you did
and it was killing me to look for it. I didn't trust myself...went back to my ex.

Yep, I know what you're thinking:

"Whaaaat?!"

"You mean after all he did for to you? After all he took
from you?"

Yes, although it may sound both crazy and stupid, I did it.

I thought I would be able to love him, and, initially, he was so excited that I was no longer with you that he took me back without hesitation...I looked so good to him. But, whenever he touched me, he wasn't you, so it was never as good as you.

I tried to fake it, but she was disappointed
in me, my choice, that she wouldn't budge.
No vibrations, no trembling, no screaming...
silence...not even a whimper.

He was both furious and embarrassed. He shook my body
wildly saying with a grunt, "Do it! Give it to me!...Come onnnn!"

I tried, but she remained recalcitrant. She, who had been slick, juicy, slimy and succulent, had become as dry as the inside of a wall.
My baby, who had been as hot as cinders burning with the desire of unrelenting love for you, turned cold and unaffected.

She lay they still...motionless...no vibrations...the waves were gone and all that was left were the tears from me missing you. He didn't know where to touch me and he never listened to what I said. He had no respect for me and my body lost respect for me too and refused to cooperate.


When he kissed me, his breath wasn't like yours. He wouldn't kiss me repeatedly. I couldn't fall into him. I tended to give him my cheek.His words were never as funny or unctuous.

I wasn't safe. She didn't feel safe.

I realized that love was the thing I needed in order for her to work. A man had to take his time taking me to bed before she would get involved. Her power was not limited to the concoction of fluid spewing out between my legs...it was my heart and its connection to my brain.

You were in my soul...I was tied to you!

I missed you and I pinned for you. My heart was sinking.
I just wanted to smell you. He didn't smell like you. He
wreaked of deception and self-hatred. I needed the aroma of your
confidence. I desired the euphonious tone of your laughter...it was so
sincere...I thought I made you happy. When he laughed, I always
felt as though he was laughing at me...his snide remarks...he often
sneered at me.

I missed the sounds that erupted from my insides when the passion came
teeming up...that screech in my voice...that billowing out...the emptying of my lungs and the tears you never saw. The weeping I sucked in because I knew I was surrendering too much to yet another man who wouldn't keep me. My loud cries that kept the property manager awake at night were gone. No one knew. There was nothing but breath. And the tears I shed were the tears of a woman who felt stuck in reverse...going back wards...turned around.

I felt unsafe, and, once I realized my mistake, I knew I couldn't be with him any longer.
If I couldn't be with you, I decided, I would never settle for less than you...


What a bold declaration! I had no idea what I was setting myself up for...