When the Past Comes Back to Hug You...

It had been a stressful month...or two. 

He arrived when I was in the relationship before it fell apart.

He came explaining to be how much he loved me...He was so in love with me, in fact, that I hurt him when I left. He came back with a huge bone to pick with me!

"Me and you could've worked....

I believe we would've still been together!...

I wish you would've just believed in us!"

At the time, I just didn't see it working. 
His family was dead-set against it. 

He was so young...five years younger than me.

As long as we were together alone, things were great, but

add his family into the mix, and, by the time we got home, it was war.

Yes, we lived together. He was the very first guy I had lived with since my husband walked away from me. It was an experience that was difficult to walk away from. 

He was under the impression that I lived to crush him, but, the truth is, we didn't have enough time to fight the oppositions to our relationship. We had never joined forces. All we did was argue. He didn't remember my emotional outbreaks. As I was explaining how I felt about his constant flirting and his lack of respect for me...BUT, like I aforementioned, this only occurred when he felt that he had to show someone that he wasn't "whipped" by me.

I never wanted him around my finger...that couldn't be further from the truth. It seemed he didn't know how organic he was to me. I loved him and I never really wanted to control him...that was the misconception many people in his family had about me. They attempted to protect him from someone as innocuous as a feather. In the end, everything was harder on me, so I had to leave...he didn't see that.

I tried my best to resist the feelings that crept up as we continued to converse. Thirteen years had elapsed... I masked it as best I could until, like a pressure-filled balloon (while alone mind you), I exploded! My pen, well, my keyboard was the victim and the result was a poem about...him...and us.

I poured my heart out like this:

Why

I sit here

wondering

why

my soul is still

tied to you...

the thoughts of us

You think I don't remember

our tender moments

how you held me

and I cried

I felt strong 

enough to be 

weak

before you.

How I

wanted to

have something with you

but the timing wasn't right

How 

when

I hear the 

pain in your 

voice

it subdues me

Why
sometimes

I want to hold you tight

and kiss your forehead

like I used to


when 

your head 

was nestled 

between my breasts

smelling your breath

between 

subtle kisses...

Sometimes I feel

you believe 

I didn't care for you

that you were an 

afterthought

and

worthless to me

but 

sometimes

I hope to

smell you

for my senses

to be tickled 

by your scent

the aroma of your body

even 

when 

we were sleeping

How
I would 

wake from

a nightmare

pouring sweat

with tears in my eyes

and hold you tighter

next to me

How

I loved

waking up next to you

You 

and your slick hair

on my pillow

your nasal congestion

your sinus issues

the way you snored

the way you breathed
How I used to wake you
out of apnea

the way it took you longer than me

to get ready

to go anywhere

I still loved you

I loved your strong arms 

holding me

and 

the way you'd squeeze me tight 

when

we were making love

How we talked to one another

sweet sexual conversations

How to please me

How you pleased me!

the OOoooows and ahhhhhs 

and sighs you elicited from me

the many gasps

you captivated my breath

after we made love

so many sweet kisses

How 

I tried to hide the barrage 

of blushes

when you came home

you came home to me

I loved that

I know you

don't understand why

I can't see you now

I can't talk about yesterday

me leaving

how I never wanted to hurt you

but I knew it was best for you

for us

I know you 

don't want to believe I ever

felt like you were it for me

how in the midst of 

everyone's opinions of me

I still wanted to take you with me

but never posed the idea

because

I knew you would never leave with me

You will never truly know

how I feel

whether or not I have always

struggled with letting you go

walking away from you

How

it was so difficult 

for me 

that last image of you 

recapitulating

in my head

how you left

without saying goodbye

frustrated with me

How

I stuffed the pain deep in my chest

and felt like such a fool 

for loving someone

who would walk away from me

and become so angry

that I had to go

for my own good 

for his own good

that I still loved him

that I wanted to run after him

and ask him not to leave me

and wished he'd love me too

someone I never thought took me seriously

never thought I was worth his ear

So, you'll never know 

how many times I've asked

myself why:

Why didn't I stay?

Why didn't I fight?

Why did I lose you?

Why were our lives so difficult 

apart from one another?

Why?

Why do I, after all of this time, still feel

my heart begins a new cadence

when I hear your voice...

Why?